No one can gauge the depth of me

Watching good will hunting (starring Matt Damon and Robin Williams) for another time after 6 years illuminated me of certain philisophies I couldn’t capture last 6 years. It stroke me hard, as if I am seeing myself, full of anger, disappointment, and discontent. I see the abyss of my reflection... The all-times-anger, pushing people away before they start leaving or hurting me. I am developing a huge distrust over anyone surrounding me. It’s classic. It’s called self-defense mechanism. But mine is much bigger than anyone else’s. I know, i know it very well.. it s called selfish. It’s called insensitive.
Perhaps, I need to sit down and figure who i was more clearly before i can figure out who i am. When i stand in that fancy room during the public lecture of Sri Mulyani, I can only tell myself.. i could have done a much better speech, it s an utterly/completely superficial word game. Articulation? I can do better, mimicking? I can do better. But why people listened to her and not me? Are people grading her for who she is rather than what she actually said?
Again, i know, i know... there are more to life than intelligence.. there are experiences, there are people skills. Seriously... i am fed up of it... i know the limit.. i know there are certain norms, courtesies, whatever bullshit meaningless dictions you want to assign to it. Nonetheless, it does not excuse you from being a complete failure... When i present good social skills, they tell me you are not intelligent enough, when i present magnificent intelligence, they tell me intelligence is no everything...
They tell me good is not enough and intelligent is not enough. It is not what i have that is not enough, it s what they have that is not enough AND because i have more than they do, they are fucking afraid of me...
I m sick of this hopeless world sometimes. It s even remote of any hope... Sick fucked up humans... Stupid fucking maggots... they will waste their whole lives living as a fucking slave in a jail
The irony is i m living in it. People (philosophers) coin it as a structure i can’t escape. It s a structure that defines me... I can't be a free person if i dont live in a jail, right? I can't be liberated if i have never been jailed, right?
The struggle is painful, fucking tormenting... To want friends and hate friends... to want love and hate love...
It s all so lonely... all the sounds and sights are just meaningless. My attempt to assign them meaning are not only difficult but also ridiculed...
Perhaps, i need to take a break... perhaps, complete insanity can liberate me from this jail? Just like leonardo di caprio in shutter island? Insanity liberates me from social norms, “people’s feelings”, pretense, hypocrisy, the want to be a conformist, the want to belong to a group (if not majority, certain class of people)... I need to be free... AND freedom to define “free”..